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My Shamanic Dreams - Part 3




The Fourth of July I went o sleep very tired after my bf and I walked the block. Fireworks and people were everywhere. It was nice weather. Just as the fireworks at Hawthorn Elementry got good the police arrived. They took three hours to get here when I call 911 about a man banging on my door with a gun and did nothing but chat with me and let him come up and accuse me of being the B word. Yet, everyone is enjoying themselves and they are right there to shut it down. Three showed up. Mighty white of them.


I went to sleep and knew I'd probably wake up during the night to meth fumes at least as I have every night for two weeks. I didn't expect any big dreams, definitely not nightmares. My mind has been quiet in certain ways for a minute now. It's been frustrating. Easy to feel abandoned by Motherverse but then it happened.


I'm on a mountain, it feels impossibly remote. No lights to be seen anywhere, just that of the snow and ice that covers it. There's people dressed in black everywhere. They stand out against the barren frozen waste that surrounds us. There's a woman, she reminds me of my first female doc at the U who helped me, maybe it's her I think so I begin following her. My bf is with me later but for a bit I'm among strangers or at least faceless people hiding under their cowls. It's like their all wearing seal skin, oilers I've read them called in old timey books. I'm assuming over warm clothes. The cold isn't bothering me yet, it feels like I have plenty of layers.


As we make our way along what seems to be halfhazard path of frozen drop offs, walls, out cropping it's as if my layers are disappearing. At some point I'm wearing the black garb over what I have left. When given it it's indicated that it will help keep the heat in and moisture out but I don't like it, not the energy or the fit. At this point something is clearly wrong. After specially difficult climb up a rocket wood laced ladder and through a tunnel and the female looking doc motioning for me to keep following I realize my bf is there but he seems dazed, a sort of zombified state. I keep checking his face and he looks fine but checked out and overly intent on these people we are following up and across what feels like Everest now. Except I have no desire to climb Everest. Why would I be here?


At this point I realize I'm in a dream in a half dazed sort of way. I'm getting cold now, in my bones. When Phil had us living in a tool trailer on the mountain I remember getting this cold. It's bringing on PTSD I realize. I also realize no one is speaking but somehow we're following directions. All of us are. We're following some path or leader that's not visible to the naked eye. Now I'm trying to wake up or something is trying to wake me up because I keep starting from my sleep. It feels like some one is kicking our feet at the end of my bed in the waking world. It's rough, doesn't feel kind at all. It's scaring me. I look at my bf and find myself looking at him in the dream. Only once in a while does he return the gaze but it is dead.


I start trying to motion for him subtly, I know we're in danger now. Severe. I want out, I want us both out and off this ice mountain. The warrens, tunnels, cracks, gorges, drop offs, and the darkness seem endless. It's as if we're in the mountain I realize. There's no stars or moon. Yes, we're in it I realize. I'm not liking this and then I realize I'm not moving. I'm laying on the frozen ground, he's next to me conscious but he might as well not be. He's staring at the blond hair, blue eyed woman intently, almost worshipfully. His face is ashen white in the darkness. Like the stone and ice all around us. This part feels like it lasts hours.


I'm getting colder, it feels like I have nothing on but that oils slicker which now feels like it's in tatters. My back is numb, I realize I am numb in a way I've never been in the waking world. I'm beyond cold and something is definitely kicking my feet like I used to see Coach Heatonnkick the girls feet when they got bloody noses. I guess it made it stop and if he needed a star player who was bleeding rivers down her face she'd go straight to the floor on her back and he'd kick her mercilessly to make it stop and get her back on that basketball court. The first time I saw it I won't lie, I was scared, in shackles but also in awe. The girls would lie down and have full awareness of what was coming and receive those blows with looks of acceptance, awe, even love. I'll never forget Char's face when he did it to her. Or Jen's. One could say they were his acolytes.


I didn't like it and since no one was there at the end of the bed it was rather terrifying. Waking up wasn't something I wanted to do. Some part of my mind knew what id be waking to. Fumes and pain. Sure enough. When I saw that blond woman ascending or descending another makeshift ladder with a expression of cold hearted blood lust and I realized I basically had seal skins tossed on my naked body, my bf was lost in a trance, I even tried to wake him after a kick which he seemed to feel because he moaned and shook with it. I asked, "Are you with me." His eyes fluttered open and then he was snoring. Nope.


It was time I get up. This wasn't ok. I looked at him in the dream as I dozed and saw that same look on his face but also frozen. This wasn't him, this was a dream I silently reminded myself. A true dream I call them that I couldn't understand, a nightmare, what felt like a bad trip. I woke up as best I could and realized I was numb, it felt worse than when we'd actually lived on a frozen mountain. It's the beginning of July. How am I this cold? It doesn't matter, the pain from my gal bladder and everything starts to set on top of what feels like hypothermia. I'm scared because something was kicking me. I get up and make a b-line for the bathroom. I turn the hot water on, it's barely hot compared to the scalding temp I usually need for gal bladder pain and migraines but it burns worse, much worse. I can barely tolerate it but now what I call the mini siezures start. Involuntary muscle spasm all over. Tiny ones first. I'm breathing heavily, there's fumes in the air. I'm trying to think!


Didn't take too much of something, is it just the fumes. I remember I have the nicotine patch on my back and rip it off and lay back in the water which makes me catch my breathe it burns. I'm shaking, my stomach is cramping and moving me like I'm doing stomach crunches. I feel frozen through my spirit and am just acting on habit and instinct now.


I did end up waking my bf in my robe and crying my eyes out. However, the night wasn't done with me.

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