The Status of my Health

When did my health begin showing signs of abuse? Right away. I remember being sick enough to remember the constant use of enema's filled with teas, tinctures, and mostly raw garlic. Yes, that's fucking miserable and even insane, especially when doing it to an infant or small child. I remember having yeast infections and uti's. I was never taken to the doctors for almost any reason. Coleen treated us with her "wholistic" approach which includes but aren't limited to the following: feeding us weevils no matter where we lived, putting black tar heroine in Monday night chicken before family home evening, put egg shells in our food like eggs & pancakes which were sometimes green or blue. She would laugh and even tell people stories about how it happened. People blinked, perplexed but then they would get the sleepy entertained look, smile, laugh, nod as she literally regaled them with stories of active neglect and abuse.

For a while I felt like I had mastered my body through sheer force of will. In fact, each period of my life that I felt good always corresponds to periods of time I stayed out of my parents way, served them just right, and otherwise made myself silent and scarce. I wasn't asking questions, asking for oppertunity, I just removed myself from their awareness and continued with my research.

Between the ages of 3-8 I remember these nights I'd wake up in awful, mind numbing pain and I'd stumble into my parents lair, a place I usually avoided by all costs if they were in there. I'd have to be careful how I woke them up or I could get hit or yelled at or worse. The key to waking Phil was to shake him as roughly as my arms could and then quickly back up and duck. Saved my face dozens of times but not every time. My parents would tell me my migraines, bruises, cuts, leg pain was growing pains or gas. I stopped going to them for help by the time I was about 12.

For all practical purposes we are letting children across the globe get psychically assaulted, raped, neglected, and oppressed worse than prisoners. Is this how we want to go down in history? What legacy are we leaving behind? Then those children grow up and what becomes of us? The results are not good. We either heal or we don't. Those that don't often become perpetrators themselves.

Back to my health, most of my physical ailments and they are very physical, real, and react to medicine positively, to a point, are from psychic disease and mental scaring. I know exactly what I need but do not currently have the resources for it. The fumes next door have made me worse, much worse.

My greatest feat thus far was getting myself and my daughter away from my parents who threatened to take her away from me when she was small. First, I had to get physically away and to the point I knew I could stay away. Brainwashing is powerful and real. Second, I had to work through all the stories that I should kill myself, that I needed to kill myself. That was the hardest spell to break. Third, I had to get well enough to stand up to them if I had to face them. They recently tried to have me institutionalized after telling them what I remember and think of them. My whole family. Do you know what that does to you?

Yes, I am sick, I have lots of physical, mental, and spiritual ailments clawing me down into what sometimes feels like an early grave but now that I recognize what's going on I can fight it. I try not to rage over it, sometimes I still do. I can relearn how live. It feels like my muscles are trying to heal from an infinite number of wounds from this life and others. It sometimes feels like I'm healing for others too. Standing up, at times alone, at times with a little support, but standing up to a big, bad world of hate, fear, and neglect.

My bf has watched me, bent, crying, hardly able to walk or move, so frustrated and scared of hospitals, the people running them and treating me with their ignorance which hurts as they judge me, poke me, prod me and tell me there isn't anything else they can do, or worse, what I need isn't covered by Medicare or Medicaid.

This sucks, it's not right, I am crying for family, community, medicine, support, and very few listen. After I was raped by a man in my psych program my family did very little. My brother blessed me with his priesthood to reassure himself, my family, and in his little brain, me, that "be reassured, the spirit told me you didn't ask for it." That is how they think and speak. I had no one with me when it was time to go testify so Brad Roper is now a therapist, "I'd like to work with troubled teen girls." Was one of the last things he said as he dressed and left me naked and hurt on my bed where he had assaulted me. UVU did nothing so it was hard to believe a judge would do anything, a judge in Orem.

Once my family found out where I lived and that I wouldn't stand by and watch the systematic abuse of their children any longer they served me a restraining order for one family. For three years I'll call him Dirty Sanchez & his wife. His daughter will read this eventually, she'll get access to the court hearing where I listed his and my sisters crimes, partially against her. When the Commissioner asked him to defend himself he simply said, "Your Honor, I have nothing else to say." Didn't deny a single allegation.

Update: End of June

I have not had the medicines I need for months. To be clear I have fibromyalgia, CF, IBS, Small Fiber Neuropathy, chronic anxiety, nausea and vomiting, TMJ, involuntary muscle spasms/movement and medication resistant depression just to name a few things. I am on Parkinson's medication which really made a difference till about 7 mo ago when neighbors that are drug dealers moved in and fumes began filling my apartment regularly. I then developed asthma and gall stones not to mention other issues too private to share. I have lost over 70 lbs. My cats have lost weight and seem to struggle with anxiety now. Like right now I suffer coughing, sleepless nights, and growing PTSD for starters. I have scars from chemical burns and renewed migraines. I am struggling, badly, but good things are in the works so I continue to try to have faith and practice what I believe in.

While I might be sick 25-75% of the time I manage to make connections in the community. Help the homeless how and when I can. Offer refuge to who I can. Even those I disagree with, even those who actively hurt me. Unconditional love is a thing, I work on it every day. Some days I realize that this doesn't always mean turn the other cheek but it certainly doesn't look like what my family chooses. To try to get a permenant restraining order against me when I have no intentions and have proven that by their own admission of coming in direct contact with any of them unless they come to me. I will say my prayers and cast out my intentions for them though. My faith trumps theirs for one main reason. I believe what I have discovered through a lifetime of hard work, education, and altruism while they have barely survived in their narcissistic, declining mental healths, in the clutches of my parents and a cult. They look haggard, have cancer, lost husbands, children, and struggle deep in their spirits and psychoses and always will until they are willing to look outside of the dark, cramped boxes they have been stuffed into since birth. They wouldn't know real love if it hit them in the faces so they hit everyone and everything else, literally and figuratively. Zack, if you knew what Melissa and Coleen have said about you but you choose to pick liars over your big sister who has only ever loved you and been honest with you.

By their own pretense of standards they should afford me the same rights Joseph Smith had, starting a church, believing in my dreams, wisdom, and portents but who can be surprised. They are walking, talking little replicas of my parents for all practical purposes who hurt children and make people chuckle as they tell their made up stories.

What should really scare them has yet to come.

PS it won't be by my hand. I remain truly powerless, sick, and often afraid. It will be by the hand of their god and from the lips of their ancestors and I am very excited about that day.

I have been having new and serious gall bladder health problems that has slowed me down considerably. I need surgery but I hope people haven't stopped coming to check for updates.